DoiNg ThE RiGhT ThiNg.....

My Sweet Peanut,

I went to visit another birth mother today. She just gave her baby up for adoption a month ago. She gave me some good advice. She told me that whenever I feel like crying over this adoption I should. When I have the thoughts and feeling that I want to keep you, I should express them. She told me if I keep all my feelings bottled up when it is time to place you for adoption all of those emotions and feelings will fall on me like a pile of bricks and I won't be able to walk out my decision to place you. I thought about your birth father today. I thought about how his choices have changed my life so drastically. You were conceived through sexual assault, but I LOVE YOU NO LESS, and that has nothing to do with me placing you for adoption. You are my baby! No matter how you were concieved. But it does make me angry. I don't have a good relationship with my mom, so growing up I always told myself that I would be a good mother, and more importantly I would be married so I could provide a stable home for my children. I would make sure that the father of my children would be committed to being a father and a husband. That was my "dream" and he took that away from me. I have lived with only one parent, well my dad married after my mother but for a while it was just me and him, and I grew up living with my grandma in the beginning because he was in the Army, so he wasn't around for real until I was four or five years old. So with family dynamics like those I wanted the family that I created with my husband to be strong and stable. I can not bring you into my life. Well financially I could take care of you, but my job requires that I get deployed for 18 months at a time. I wouldn't even get to see you, and if I quit my job I wouldn't even be able to take care of you financially. I have thought over and over about how I could make it work so I can keep you but the truth is, it won't work and because of that I am so angry. I want you so badly. I imagine what you will look like and the type of personality you will have. I want to watch you grow up. I want to hold you when you're hurt or scared. I want to read you bedtime stories. I WANT TO BE THERE PERIOD!!! Why does doing the right thing hurt this badly?

The day after.....

Today I woke up and of course I thought of you! I was sick this morning, so again I thought of you. This pregnancy has been a real journey as far as morning sickness goes, I was really sick in the beginning, it has gotten better I only throw up a few times a week now. I dreamed of you. I dreamed of the moment you were born. Natalie was there Amanda, Maria and Chad was outside during the actual birthing. It was so vivid and real. I felt pain and it seemed like it was really happening. I held you and you were beautiful. Then I realized that Natalie was the looking and waiting for her moment with you so I placed you in her arms and you at that moment were no longer mine. It hurt so badly, I felt a part of me die. It was like the labor was starting all over again but there was no baby. Natalie looked at me and said thank you with tears in her eyes, to her she had just birthed you and her world was perfect! How could I be so happy for her when I hurt so badly! I reached to hold you again and you were gone. I woke up, it was a little after 4:00 am. I ave never cried such a painful cry. That is what it will be like, I will labor for you and birth you, then I will hand you to Natalie and you will be hers. This is torture, I don't want that day to come. I want to keep you safe inside of me. I was you to be calmed by my heartbeat and the sound of my voice. I want you to remember me, but I don't want to disrupt your life. I have this overwhelming love for you and I can help but want to keep you, but then I remind myself that because I love you so much, I have to give you the best and to me that is a life with Natalie and Chad as your parents. Even when the thought of losing you hurts so much and I feel so alone like no one understands how hard this is an how my heart is so broken over doing what I think a responsible mother would do. I go back to reminding myself that it is my job to make sure you have the best life possible, even if that life is not with me!! I wish it could be with me, I wish that so badly. I love you so much peanut and all this heart breaking pain, emotions, and drastic life changes are all for you. You are my priority and everything else comes second to you!!! It kills me to know how much I really love you....

You Can See My Heart Beating......

My precious Peanut,

Today I met with Natalie and Chad. They will be your parents. I am so full of emotions, I am happy, I am sad and I am fearful. I love you so much and the thought of you not being with me for the rest of your life is heart breaking. I really like your future parents and I know they will take care of you, which brings me much comfort. Natalie, is so sweet and sensitive to my feelings and my needs. I am sure she will be a good mom to you. Chad is sweet guy, he is really involved with the whole adoption process and the both of them make me feel good about my choice but nothing or no one can take away this aching in my heart for you. I miss you already and you are as close to me as you will ever be. Today is the beginning of my adoption journey. I am writing this blog to you, my peanut, so you will know how I felt about you in my own words, so you can see how much I struggled with my decision, this IS NOT easy, this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I love you so much and I would give anything to be able to keep you and feel good about it, but it would be selfish and unfair to you to deprive you of the things you deserve. like a mother and a father. As I am writing this your little body rests inside of mine, you can see my heart and you can hear it beating. I am doing everything I know to do to make sure you have the best life that is possible. I LOVE YOU more than my own life. You are my first born child and my heart. I think of you all day long. You're the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last on my mind when I lay down to sleep. I take better care of myself because of you, I am a better person because of you! I sing to you, I talk to you, little child of mine I LOVE YOU!!!! Please see that in my choices for your life. You can see my heart beating.......

I wish it could be different

I had a hard night ladt night. i wish so badly that i could keep my baby. I wish i were married and my career was a little more settled. I wish that having this baby had come at a better time, but it hasn't. I cant keep my baby!