DoiNg ThE RiGhT ThiNg.....

My Sweet Peanut,

I went to visit another birth mother today. She just gave her baby up for adoption a month ago. She gave me some good advice. She told me that whenever I feel like crying over this adoption I should. When I have the thoughts and feeling that I want to keep you, I should express them. She told me if I keep all my feelings bottled up when it is time to place you for adoption all of those emotions and feelings will fall on me like a pile of bricks and I won't be able to walk out my decision to place you. I thought about your birth father today. I thought about how his choices have changed my life so drastically. You were conceived through sexual assault, but I LOVE YOU NO LESS, and that has nothing to do with me placing you for adoption. You are my baby! No matter how you were concieved. But it does make me angry. I don't have a good relationship with my mom, so growing up I always told myself that I would be a good mother, and more importantly I would be married so I could provide a stable home for my children. I would make sure that the father of my children would be committed to being a father and a husband. That was my "dream" and he took that away from me. I have lived with only one parent, well my dad married after my mother but for a while it was just me and him, and I grew up living with my grandma in the beginning because he was in the Army, so he wasn't around for real until I was four or five years old. So with family dynamics like those I wanted the family that I created with my husband to be strong and stable. I can not bring you into my life. Well financially I could take care of you, but my job requires that I get deployed for 18 months at a time. I wouldn't even get to see you, and if I quit my job I wouldn't even be able to take care of you financially. I have thought over and over about how I could make it work so I can keep you but the truth is, it won't work and because of that I am so angry. I want you so badly. I imagine what you will look like and the type of personality you will have. I want to watch you grow up. I want to hold you when you're hurt or scared. I want to read you bedtime stories. I WANT TO BE THERE PERIOD!!! Why does doing the right thing hurt this badly?