Hello Little One,
I have been having all these dreams about you. It is crazy how much I think of you constantly. I was at the tattoo shop last night and I struggled with whether or not I would get a belly piercing. I ask the tattoo artist what his thoughts were on pregnancy and belly piercing and he said "they don't do it because of the risk of infection and the constant changes in your hormones, they don't know how it would affect a pregnant woman". Then he said, "why would you risk getting an infection and putting your baby's health in danger?" So that made my decision for me. No belly piercing! I know that makes no sense why I would want a belly ring since I am pregnant, but you have to understand, this pregnancy came as a surprise to me and I have chosen adoption because I want to give you life, but at the same time I want to have my own life. I have given up so much! I have changed my life completely for you. I am doing all this and for what? I am not keeping you. Don't take this the wrong way, I love you but there are things that I REALLY struggle with because I am not keeping you. This choice is so hard! As this pregnancy progresses I feel closer to you and it becomes harder to think of leaving you! Amanda and I had or first big deal fight last night and for the first time I really felt alone. No one knows how hard this really is. I feel like I am forced to place you for adoption. I know that I am choosing, but I feel I have no choice, I hope that makes sense to you. She didn't understand my feelings about wanting to get a belly ring since I am pregnant and she definitely didn't understand how I feel about the consequences of my decision to stay pregnant. But in a way she was right, I have made this choice and I have to continue to make the right choices for you while I am pregnant. If something happens to you while I am pregnant I would never forgive myself! You are my responsibility right now and I promised you to Natalie and Chad and I have to keep my word and keep you safe. This is so hard. I know that giving you life is the best choice for you and me. You get a good life with Natalie and Chad and I get the peace of mind that I made a choice that I can live with! I love you so much and that will change and at the end of the day I never regret not having an abortion! No matter how much I have to give up in my life. My love for you definitely gives me the greatest satisfaction! It kills me to know how much I really love you!!!
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Little One
Hello my little one,
It's been a few days since the last time I wrote to you. I am currently on bed rest! Your little body has been putting pressure on my cervix so they had to stitch it up! It's worth it though, I don't want you coming out early! I have been thinking a lot about things and I worry so much about my choices and how they will affect your life. I want so much for your life to be full of love and happiness. I am fourteen weeks now and you are definitely making your presence known! I can't say that I am really excited about the weight gain, but it comes with the territory. I got to see you on Wednesday, the doctor says that you are perfect and that makes me happy. I am doing my best to protect you and keep you safe while you are in my care. I only have five and a half months left. When I think of being pregnant and dealing with everything that comes with that, it seems like forever, but when I think of giving birth and having to place you, forever doesn't seem long enough. I dread that day. I decided not to have an epidural, because the thought of having a needle in my back just terrifies me,(although I have six tattoos those needles can't paralyze you) so I have warned everyone that will be there for your arrival(Amanda, Maria, Natalie, and Chad) that it will be hard, and I want absolutely no noise. I will need to be able to focus. Maybe it won't be as bad as I am anticipating. I mean women have been having babies for centuries and many without pain medication, so I am sure I can do it, besides I am soldier and soldiers are tough? I find out what your sex is going to be in two weeks!! Hopefully you cooperate and give us a clear view so I can share it with your parents and your siblings. Heidi is dying to have a sister, maybe we can help her out with that, but I am sure either way they all will be equally excited to know. I am glad I have this time with you. This is the most interesting experience. It is weird to see my body changing in preparation for your arrival and watching my belly grow is a amazing. I find myself holding my hands there as if I can actually hold you. Whenever something or someone invades that space I cover my belly to protect you. I guess that's the whole mother's instinct. I love you SO much. I have made this difficult decision for you and your future and as much as I know it is the BEST decision at this point in my life, it kills me. I love thinking about you and touching my belly, but it is bitter sweet because as soon as I finally see your sweet face I have to give you away. It's not easy but I have a few people that are there for me to help me through this process. There is Amanda, my bestie/little sister, she is great! I think I would go crazy if she wasn't here at this point. I think she is going to be my "coach" during the whole labor and delivery process. She has two kids already and we just click. I tell her everything! It's weird, it's like we have know each other our whole lives. She's one of those friends that you can count on to really be there, to cry with you, to be happy with you, or to simply be there and let you vent out all your frustrations and never say a word. I am so comfortable with her. We share a special bond and I can't wait until I take my leave so I can hang out with her again, and I am sure that she is going to make fun of me because I will be huge!! But I will have my turn soon. She told me that her and her husband are trying to get pregnant. It was a little hard, because she will be keeping her baby and she will probably be pregnant when I deliver. It makes me sad, but I am happy for her, I would never want her to be in this situation, it hurts and I am glad she can be happy about her pregnancy and enjoy it and make plans for the baby. She's a good mom! You'll get to meet her, you may not remember her, but you will meet her. I am working on this book for you along with this blog, so maybe I will put her in the book so you can remember her. Of course there's Maria, Natalie and Chad. Everyone plays a different role, but all of them are important. Everyone is excited to meet you, again your arrival will be bitter sweet. I still can't wait! I will have my time with you in the hospital, but it's not long enough. I can only imagine how my heart will ache for you. I love you little peanut and since I have all this free time I will be writing to you more, unless I am not feeling well. You better stay put until July 9th or we will have a long talk about disobedience. I love you little one.
It's been a few days since the last time I wrote to you. I am currently on bed rest! Your little body has been putting pressure on my cervix so they had to stitch it up! It's worth it though, I don't want you coming out early! I have been thinking a lot about things and I worry so much about my choices and how they will affect your life. I want so much for your life to be full of love and happiness. I am fourteen weeks now and you are definitely making your presence known! I can't say that I am really excited about the weight gain, but it comes with the territory. I got to see you on Wednesday, the doctor says that you are perfect and that makes me happy. I am doing my best to protect you and keep you safe while you are in my care. I only have five and a half months left. When I think of being pregnant and dealing with everything that comes with that, it seems like forever, but when I think of giving birth and having to place you, forever doesn't seem long enough. I dread that day. I decided not to have an epidural, because the thought of having a needle in my back just terrifies me,(although I have six tattoos those needles can't paralyze you) so I have warned everyone that will be there for your arrival(Amanda, Maria, Natalie, and Chad) that it will be hard, and I want absolutely no noise. I will need to be able to focus. Maybe it won't be as bad as I am anticipating. I mean women have been having babies for centuries and many without pain medication, so I am sure I can do it, besides I am soldier and soldiers are tough? I find out what your sex is going to be in two weeks!! Hopefully you cooperate and give us a clear view so I can share it with your parents and your siblings. Heidi is dying to have a sister, maybe we can help her out with that, but I am sure either way they all will be equally excited to know. I am glad I have this time with you. This is the most interesting experience. It is weird to see my body changing in preparation for your arrival and watching my belly grow is a amazing. I find myself holding my hands there as if I can actually hold you. Whenever something or someone invades that space I cover my belly to protect you. I guess that's the whole mother's instinct. I love you SO much. I have made this difficult decision for you and your future and as much as I know it is the BEST decision at this point in my life, it kills me. I love thinking about you and touching my belly, but it is bitter sweet because as soon as I finally see your sweet face I have to give you away. It's not easy but I have a few people that are there for me to help me through this process. There is Amanda, my bestie/little sister, she is great! I think I would go crazy if she wasn't here at this point. I think she is going to be my "coach" during the whole labor and delivery process. She has two kids already and we just click. I tell her everything! It's weird, it's like we have know each other our whole lives. She's one of those friends that you can count on to really be there, to cry with you, to be happy with you, or to simply be there and let you vent out all your frustrations and never say a word. I am so comfortable with her. We share a special bond and I can't wait until I take my leave so I can hang out with her again, and I am sure that she is going to make fun of me because I will be huge!! But I will have my turn soon. She told me that her and her husband are trying to get pregnant. It was a little hard, because she will be keeping her baby and she will probably be pregnant when I deliver. It makes me sad, but I am happy for her, I would never want her to be in this situation, it hurts and I am glad she can be happy about her pregnancy and enjoy it and make plans for the baby. She's a good mom! You'll get to meet her, you may not remember her, but you will meet her. I am working on this book for you along with this blog, so maybe I will put her in the book so you can remember her. Of course there's Maria, Natalie and Chad. Everyone plays a different role, but all of them are important. Everyone is excited to meet you, again your arrival will be bitter sweet. I still can't wait! I will have my time with you in the hospital, but it's not long enough. I can only imagine how my heart will ache for you. I love you little peanut and since I have all this free time I will be writing to you more, unless I am not feeling well. You better stay put until July 9th or we will have a long talk about disobedience. I love you little one.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Lost and Confused...
Peanut,
Today I am feel so lost and confused about everything!! I don't know what I know anymore and it is not a good feeling. The only thing I am still sure of is that I LOVE YOU SO MUCH and I want nothing less than the best for you!! Life is funny and it isn't alway fair, but things always seem to work themselves out, or at least I hope so! You can see my heart beating, youcan see it through my chest, and I'm TERRIFIED, but I'm not leaving! I know that I must pass this TEST.....!!!!!!
Today I am feel so lost and confused about everything!! I don't know what I know anymore and it is not a good feeling. The only thing I am still sure of is that I LOVE YOU SO MUCH and I want nothing less than the best for you!! Life is funny and it isn't alway fair, but things always seem to work themselves out, or at least I hope so! You can see my heart beating, youcan see it through my chest, and I'm TERRIFIED, but I'm not leaving! I know that I must pass this TEST.....!!!!!!
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Did my birth mom love me......?
Today is one of those days that I am not so sure that I can place you for adoption. I have had a hard day which started with a hard night. I think maybe I should go to church or something. I feel so lost and alone. (Let me be clear about something. I struggle with placing you for adoption because I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, but if I take the emotions out of the process, I know that adoption is the best option for you)! I know that I have a lot of support but I STILL FEEL SO ALONE. I just don't want to do this anymore, it is so hard. I wish I could have you tomorrow and just be done with it all. Not because I want to get rid of you but because I can't stand waiting, knowing that I am caring for you, to give you to someone else and everyday it gets harder, and I hate "waiting" to place you. Today I found out that I could find out if you are a boy or a girl in three weeks, I don't know if I can handle it. Your parents want to know so I have to find out in order to share it with them. That is going to be so hard, I can't stand to look at you knowing that you won't be mine. I mean you are mine but only for a little while. I love you so much! I didn't think it was possible to love another human being as much as I love you! I can't even put it into words how much I love you. Let's just say that I love you so much that I am ripping out my own heart to make sure that you have a good life with two parents who already love you so much. (Or at least that is what it feels like.) They are so excited about adopting you and loving you. Your mom told me that she felt bad being so happy when she knew that I am so sad about placing you, that's one of the reasons I like her. She is so sweet and sensitive to other people's feelings. I wish so badly sweetie that it could be different. I wish you could stay with me forever. I want you to know that this not easy and my decision to place you is completely out of love. I want what is best for you and that is why I am choosing to place you. I want you to know and understand how much I love you and that is why I am writing this blog and I hope it helps and answers the question did my birth mom love me? YES, YES SHE DOES!! More than you will ever know! It's too late to think of the value of my life....you can see my heart beating...you can see it through my chest, said I'm TERRIFIED, but I am not leaving, I know that I must pass this test......and you can see my heart! beating!.....
Thursday, December 31, 2009
DoiNg ThE RiGhT ThiNg.....
My Sweet Peanut,
I went to visit another birth mother today. She just gave her baby up for adoption a month ago. She gave me some good advice. She told me that whenever I feel like crying over this adoption I should. When I have the thoughts and feeling that I want to keep you, I should express them. She told me if I keep all my feelings bottled up when it is time to place you for adoption all of those emotions and feelings will fall on me like a pile of bricks and I won't be able to walk out my decision to place you. I thought about your birth father today. I thought about how his choices have changed my life so drastically. You were conceived through sexual assault, but I LOVE YOU NO LESS, and that has nothing to do with me placing you for adoption. You are my baby! No matter how you were concieved. But it does make me angry. I don't have a good relationship with my mom, so growing up I always told myself that I would be a good mother, and more importantly I would be married so I could provide a stable home for my children. I would make sure that the father of my children would be committed to being a father and a husband. That was my "dream" and he took that away from me. I have lived with only one parent, well my dad married after my mother but for a while it was just me and him, and I grew up living with my grandma in the beginning because he was in the Army, so he wasn't around for real until I was four or five years old. So with family dynamics like those I wanted the family that I created with my husband to be strong and stable. I can not bring you into my life. Well financially I could take care of you, but my job requires that I get deployed for 18 months at a time. I wouldn't even get to see you, and if I quit my job I wouldn't even be able to take care of you financially. I have thought over and over about how I could make it work so I can keep you but the truth is, it won't work and because of that I am so angry. I want you so badly. I imagine what you will look like and the type of personality you will have. I want to watch you grow up. I want to hold you when you're hurt or scared. I want to read you bedtime stories. I WANT TO BE THERE PERIOD!!! Why does doing the right thing hurt this badly?
I went to visit another birth mother today. She just gave her baby up for adoption a month ago. She gave me some good advice. She told me that whenever I feel like crying over this adoption I should. When I have the thoughts and feeling that I want to keep you, I should express them. She told me if I keep all my feelings bottled up when it is time to place you for adoption all of those emotions and feelings will fall on me like a pile of bricks and I won't be able to walk out my decision to place you. I thought about your birth father today. I thought about how his choices have changed my life so drastically. You were conceived through sexual assault, but I LOVE YOU NO LESS, and that has nothing to do with me placing you for adoption. You are my baby! No matter how you were concieved. But it does make me angry. I don't have a good relationship with my mom, so growing up I always told myself that I would be a good mother, and more importantly I would be married so I could provide a stable home for my children. I would make sure that the father of my children would be committed to being a father and a husband. That was my "dream" and he took that away from me. I have lived with only one parent, well my dad married after my mother but for a while it was just me and him, and I grew up living with my grandma in the beginning because he was in the Army, so he wasn't around for real until I was four or five years old. So with family dynamics like those I wanted the family that I created with my husband to be strong and stable. I can not bring you into my life. Well financially I could take care of you, but my job requires that I get deployed for 18 months at a time. I wouldn't even get to see you, and if I quit my job I wouldn't even be able to take care of you financially. I have thought over and over about how I could make it work so I can keep you but the truth is, it won't work and because of that I am so angry. I want you so badly. I imagine what you will look like and the type of personality you will have. I want to watch you grow up. I want to hold you when you're hurt or scared. I want to read you bedtime stories. I WANT TO BE THERE PERIOD!!! Why does doing the right thing hurt this badly?
The day after.....
Today I woke up and of course I thought of you! I was sick this morning, so again I thought of you. This pregnancy has been a real journey as far as morning sickness goes, I was really sick in the beginning, it has gotten better I only throw up a few times a week now. I dreamed of you. I dreamed of the moment you were born. Natalie was there Amanda, Maria and Chad was outside during the actual birthing. It was so vivid and real. I felt pain and it seemed like it was really happening. I held you and you were beautiful. Then I realized that Natalie was the looking and waiting for her moment with you so I placed you in her arms and you at that moment were no longer mine. It hurt so badly, I felt a part of me die. It was like the labor was starting all over again but there was no baby. Natalie looked at me and said thank you with tears in her eyes, to her she had just birthed you and her world was perfect! How could I be so happy for her when I hurt so badly! I reached to hold you again and you were gone. I woke up, it was a little after 4:00 am. I ave never cried such a painful cry. That is what it will be like, I will labor for you and birth you, then I will hand you to Natalie and you will be hers. This is torture, I don't want that day to come. I want to keep you safe inside of me. I was you to be calmed by my heartbeat and the sound of my voice. I want you to remember me, but I don't want to disrupt your life. I have this overwhelming love for you and I can help but want to keep you, but then I remind myself that because I love you so much, I have to give you the best and to me that is a life with Natalie and Chad as your parents. Even when the thought of losing you hurts so much and I feel so alone like no one understands how hard this is an how my heart is so broken over doing what I think a responsible mother would do. I go back to reminding myself that it is my job to make sure you have the best life possible, even if that life is not with me!! I wish it could be with me, I wish that so badly. I love you so much peanut and all this heart breaking pain, emotions, and drastic life changes are all for you. You are my priority and everything else comes second to you!!! It kills me to know how much I really love you....
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
You Can See My Heart Beating......
My precious Peanut,
Today I met with Natalie and Chad. They will be your parents. I am so full of emotions, I am happy, I am sad and I am fearful. I love you so much and the thought of you not being with me for the rest of your life is heart breaking. I really like your future parents and I know they will take care of you, which brings me much comfort. Natalie, is so sweet and sensitive to my feelings and my needs. I am sure she will be a good mom to you. Chad is sweet guy, he is really involved with the whole adoption process and the both of them make me feel good about my choice but nothing or no one can take away this aching in my heart for you. I miss you already and you are as close to me as you will ever be. Today is the beginning of my adoption journey. I am writing this blog to you, my peanut, so you will know how I felt about you in my own words, so you can see how much I struggled with my decision, this IS NOT easy, this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I love you so much and I would give anything to be able to keep you and feel good about it, but it would be selfish and unfair to you to deprive you of the things you deserve. like a mother and a father. As I am writing this your little body rests inside of mine, you can see my heart and you can hear it beating. I am doing everything I know to do to make sure you have the best life that is possible. I LOVE YOU more than my own life. You are my first born child and my heart. I think of you all day long. You're the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last on my mind when I lay down to sleep. I take better care of myself because of you, I am a better person because of you! I sing to you, I talk to you, little child of mine I LOVE YOU!!!! Please see that in my choices for your life. You can see my heart beating.......
Today I met with Natalie and Chad. They will be your parents. I am so full of emotions, I am happy, I am sad and I am fearful. I love you so much and the thought of you not being with me for the rest of your life is heart breaking. I really like your future parents and I know they will take care of you, which brings me much comfort. Natalie, is so sweet and sensitive to my feelings and my needs. I am sure she will be a good mom to you. Chad is sweet guy, he is really involved with the whole adoption process and the both of them make me feel good about my choice but nothing or no one can take away this aching in my heart for you. I miss you already and you are as close to me as you will ever be. Today is the beginning of my adoption journey. I am writing this blog to you, my peanut, so you will know how I felt about you in my own words, so you can see how much I struggled with my decision, this IS NOT easy, this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I love you so much and I would give anything to be able to keep you and feel good about it, but it would be selfish and unfair to you to deprive you of the things you deserve. like a mother and a father. As I am writing this your little body rests inside of mine, you can see my heart and you can hear it beating. I am doing everything I know to do to make sure you have the best life that is possible. I LOVE YOU more than my own life. You are my first born child and my heart. I think of you all day long. You're the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last on my mind when I lay down to sleep. I take better care of myself because of you, I am a better person because of you! I sing to you, I talk to you, little child of mine I LOVE YOU!!!! Please see that in my choices for your life. You can see my heart beating.......
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