The day after.....

Today I woke up and of course I thought of you! I was sick this morning, so again I thought of you. This pregnancy has been a real journey as far as morning sickness goes, I was really sick in the beginning, it has gotten better I only throw up a few times a week now. I dreamed of you. I dreamed of the moment you were born. Natalie was there Amanda, Maria and Chad was outside during the actual birthing. It was so vivid and real. I felt pain and it seemed like it was really happening. I held you and you were beautiful. Then I realized that Natalie was the looking and waiting for her moment with you so I placed you in her arms and you at that moment were no longer mine. It hurt so badly, I felt a part of me die. It was like the labor was starting all over again but there was no baby. Natalie looked at me and said thank you with tears in her eyes, to her she had just birthed you and her world was perfect! How could I be so happy for her when I hurt so badly! I reached to hold you again and you were gone. I woke up, it was a little after 4:00 am. I ave never cried such a painful cry. That is what it will be like, I will labor for you and birth you, then I will hand you to Natalie and you will be hers. This is torture, I don't want that day to come. I want to keep you safe inside of me. I was you to be calmed by my heartbeat and the sound of my voice. I want you to remember me, but I don't want to disrupt your life. I have this overwhelming love for you and I can help but want to keep you, but then I remind myself that because I love you so much, I have to give you the best and to me that is a life with Natalie and Chad as your parents. Even when the thought of losing you hurts so much and I feel so alone like no one understands how hard this is an how my heart is so broken over doing what I think a responsible mother would do. I go back to reminding myself that it is my job to make sure you have the best life possible, even if that life is not with me!! I wish it could be with me, I wish that so badly. I love you so much peanut and all this heart breaking pain, emotions, and drastic life changes are all for you. You are my priority and everything else comes second to you!!! It kills me to know how much I really love you....