Hello Little One,
I have been having all these dreams about you. It is crazy how much I think of you constantly. I was at the tattoo shop last night and I struggled with whether or not I would get a belly piercing. I ask the tattoo artist what his thoughts were on pregnancy and belly piercing and he said "they don't do it because of the risk of infection and the constant changes in your hormones, they don't know how it would affect a pregnant woman". Then he said, "why would you risk getting an infection and putting your baby's health in danger?" So that made my decision for me. No belly piercing! I know that makes no sense why I would want a belly ring since I am pregnant, but you have to understand, this pregnancy came as a surprise to me and I have chosen adoption because I want to give you life, but at the same time I want to have my own life. I have given up so much! I have changed my life completely for you. I am doing all this and for what? I am not keeping you. Don't take this the wrong way, I love you but there are things that I REALLY struggle with because I am not keeping you. This choice is so hard! As this pregnancy progresses I feel closer to you and it becomes harder to think of leaving you! Amanda and I had or first big deal fight last night and for the first time I really felt alone. No one knows how hard this really is. I feel like I am forced to place you for adoption. I know that I am choosing, but I feel I have no choice, I hope that makes sense to you. She didn't understand my feelings about wanting to get a belly ring since I am pregnant and she definitely didn't understand how I feel about the consequences of my decision to stay pregnant. But in a way she was right, I have made this choice and I have to continue to make the right choices for you while I am pregnant. If something happens to you while I am pregnant I would never forgive myself! You are my responsibility right now and I promised you to Natalie and Chad and I have to keep my word and keep you safe. This is so hard. I know that giving you life is the best choice for you and me. You get a good life with Natalie and Chad and I get the peace of mind that I made a choice that I can live with! I love you so much and that will change and at the end of the day I never regret not having an abortion! No matter how much I have to give up in my life. My love for you definitely gives me the greatest satisfaction! It kills me to know how much I really love you!!!
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Little One
Hello my little one,
It's been a few days since the last time I wrote to you. I am currently on bed rest! Your little body has been putting pressure on my cervix so they had to stitch it up! It's worth it though, I don't want you coming out early! I have been thinking a lot about things and I worry so much about my choices and how they will affect your life. I want so much for your life to be full of love and happiness. I am fourteen weeks now and you are definitely making your presence known! I can't say that I am really excited about the weight gain, but it comes with the territory. I got to see you on Wednesday, the doctor says that you are perfect and that makes me happy. I am doing my best to protect you and keep you safe while you are in my care. I only have five and a half months left. When I think of being pregnant and dealing with everything that comes with that, it seems like forever, but when I think of giving birth and having to place you, forever doesn't seem long enough. I dread that day. I decided not to have an epidural, because the thought of having a needle in my back just terrifies me,(although I have six tattoos those needles can't paralyze you) so I have warned everyone that will be there for your arrival(Amanda, Maria, Natalie, and Chad) that it will be hard, and I want absolutely no noise. I will need to be able to focus. Maybe it won't be as bad as I am anticipating. I mean women have been having babies for centuries and many without pain medication, so I am sure I can do it, besides I am soldier and soldiers are tough? I find out what your sex is going to be in two weeks!! Hopefully you cooperate and give us a clear view so I can share it with your parents and your siblings. Heidi is dying to have a sister, maybe we can help her out with that, but I am sure either way they all will be equally excited to know. I am glad I have this time with you. This is the most interesting experience. It is weird to see my body changing in preparation for your arrival and watching my belly grow is a amazing. I find myself holding my hands there as if I can actually hold you. Whenever something or someone invades that space I cover my belly to protect you. I guess that's the whole mother's instinct. I love you SO much. I have made this difficult decision for you and your future and as much as I know it is the BEST decision at this point in my life, it kills me. I love thinking about you and touching my belly, but it is bitter sweet because as soon as I finally see your sweet face I have to give you away. It's not easy but I have a few people that are there for me to help me through this process. There is Amanda, my bestie/little sister, she is great! I think I would go crazy if she wasn't here at this point. I think she is going to be my "coach" during the whole labor and delivery process. She has two kids already and we just click. I tell her everything! It's weird, it's like we have know each other our whole lives. She's one of those friends that you can count on to really be there, to cry with you, to be happy with you, or to simply be there and let you vent out all your frustrations and never say a word. I am so comfortable with her. We share a special bond and I can't wait until I take my leave so I can hang out with her again, and I am sure that she is going to make fun of me because I will be huge!! But I will have my turn soon. She told me that her and her husband are trying to get pregnant. It was a little hard, because she will be keeping her baby and she will probably be pregnant when I deliver. It makes me sad, but I am happy for her, I would never want her to be in this situation, it hurts and I am glad she can be happy about her pregnancy and enjoy it and make plans for the baby. She's a good mom! You'll get to meet her, you may not remember her, but you will meet her. I am working on this book for you along with this blog, so maybe I will put her in the book so you can remember her. Of course there's Maria, Natalie and Chad. Everyone plays a different role, but all of them are important. Everyone is excited to meet you, again your arrival will be bitter sweet. I still can't wait! I will have my time with you in the hospital, but it's not long enough. I can only imagine how my heart will ache for you. I love you little peanut and since I have all this free time I will be writing to you more, unless I am not feeling well. You better stay put until July 9th or we will have a long talk about disobedience. I love you little one.
It's been a few days since the last time I wrote to you. I am currently on bed rest! Your little body has been putting pressure on my cervix so they had to stitch it up! It's worth it though, I don't want you coming out early! I have been thinking a lot about things and I worry so much about my choices and how they will affect your life. I want so much for your life to be full of love and happiness. I am fourteen weeks now and you are definitely making your presence known! I can't say that I am really excited about the weight gain, but it comes with the territory. I got to see you on Wednesday, the doctor says that you are perfect and that makes me happy. I am doing my best to protect you and keep you safe while you are in my care. I only have five and a half months left. When I think of being pregnant and dealing with everything that comes with that, it seems like forever, but when I think of giving birth and having to place you, forever doesn't seem long enough. I dread that day. I decided not to have an epidural, because the thought of having a needle in my back just terrifies me,(although I have six tattoos those needles can't paralyze you) so I have warned everyone that will be there for your arrival(Amanda, Maria, Natalie, and Chad) that it will be hard, and I want absolutely no noise. I will need to be able to focus. Maybe it won't be as bad as I am anticipating. I mean women have been having babies for centuries and many without pain medication, so I am sure I can do it, besides I am soldier and soldiers are tough? I find out what your sex is going to be in two weeks!! Hopefully you cooperate and give us a clear view so I can share it with your parents and your siblings. Heidi is dying to have a sister, maybe we can help her out with that, but I am sure either way they all will be equally excited to know. I am glad I have this time with you. This is the most interesting experience. It is weird to see my body changing in preparation for your arrival and watching my belly grow is a amazing. I find myself holding my hands there as if I can actually hold you. Whenever something or someone invades that space I cover my belly to protect you. I guess that's the whole mother's instinct. I love you SO much. I have made this difficult decision for you and your future and as much as I know it is the BEST decision at this point in my life, it kills me. I love thinking about you and touching my belly, but it is bitter sweet because as soon as I finally see your sweet face I have to give you away. It's not easy but I have a few people that are there for me to help me through this process. There is Amanda, my bestie/little sister, she is great! I think I would go crazy if she wasn't here at this point. I think she is going to be my "coach" during the whole labor and delivery process. She has two kids already and we just click. I tell her everything! It's weird, it's like we have know each other our whole lives. She's one of those friends that you can count on to really be there, to cry with you, to be happy with you, or to simply be there and let you vent out all your frustrations and never say a word. I am so comfortable with her. We share a special bond and I can't wait until I take my leave so I can hang out with her again, and I am sure that she is going to make fun of me because I will be huge!! But I will have my turn soon. She told me that her and her husband are trying to get pregnant. It was a little hard, because she will be keeping her baby and she will probably be pregnant when I deliver. It makes me sad, but I am happy for her, I would never want her to be in this situation, it hurts and I am glad she can be happy about her pregnancy and enjoy it and make plans for the baby. She's a good mom! You'll get to meet her, you may not remember her, but you will meet her. I am working on this book for you along with this blog, so maybe I will put her in the book so you can remember her. Of course there's Maria, Natalie and Chad. Everyone plays a different role, but all of them are important. Everyone is excited to meet you, again your arrival will be bitter sweet. I still can't wait! I will have my time with you in the hospital, but it's not long enough. I can only imagine how my heart will ache for you. I love you little peanut and since I have all this free time I will be writing to you more, unless I am not feeling well. You better stay put until July 9th or we will have a long talk about disobedience. I love you little one.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Lost and Confused...
Peanut,
Today I am feel so lost and confused about everything!! I don't know what I know anymore and it is not a good feeling. The only thing I am still sure of is that I LOVE YOU SO MUCH and I want nothing less than the best for you!! Life is funny and it isn't alway fair, but things always seem to work themselves out, or at least I hope so! You can see my heart beating, youcan see it through my chest, and I'm TERRIFIED, but I'm not leaving! I know that I must pass this TEST.....!!!!!!
Today I am feel so lost and confused about everything!! I don't know what I know anymore and it is not a good feeling. The only thing I am still sure of is that I LOVE YOU SO MUCH and I want nothing less than the best for you!! Life is funny and it isn't alway fair, but things always seem to work themselves out, or at least I hope so! You can see my heart beating, youcan see it through my chest, and I'm TERRIFIED, but I'm not leaving! I know that I must pass this TEST.....!!!!!!
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Did my birth mom love me......?
Today is one of those days that I am not so sure that I can place you for adoption. I have had a hard day which started with a hard night. I think maybe I should go to church or something. I feel so lost and alone. (Let me be clear about something. I struggle with placing you for adoption because I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, but if I take the emotions out of the process, I know that adoption is the best option for you)! I know that I have a lot of support but I STILL FEEL SO ALONE. I just don't want to do this anymore, it is so hard. I wish I could have you tomorrow and just be done with it all. Not because I want to get rid of you but because I can't stand waiting, knowing that I am caring for you, to give you to someone else and everyday it gets harder, and I hate "waiting" to place you. Today I found out that I could find out if you are a boy or a girl in three weeks, I don't know if I can handle it. Your parents want to know so I have to find out in order to share it with them. That is going to be so hard, I can't stand to look at you knowing that you won't be mine. I mean you are mine but only for a little while. I love you so much! I didn't think it was possible to love another human being as much as I love you! I can't even put it into words how much I love you. Let's just say that I love you so much that I am ripping out my own heart to make sure that you have a good life with two parents who already love you so much. (Or at least that is what it feels like.) They are so excited about adopting you and loving you. Your mom told me that she felt bad being so happy when she knew that I am so sad about placing you, that's one of the reasons I like her. She is so sweet and sensitive to other people's feelings. I wish so badly sweetie that it could be different. I wish you could stay with me forever. I want you to know that this not easy and my decision to place you is completely out of love. I want what is best for you and that is why I am choosing to place you. I want you to know and understand how much I love you and that is why I am writing this blog and I hope it helps and answers the question did my birth mom love me? YES, YES SHE DOES!! More than you will ever know! It's too late to think of the value of my life....you can see my heart beating...you can see it through my chest, said I'm TERRIFIED, but I am not leaving, I know that I must pass this test......and you can see my heart! beating!.....
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