Little One

Hello my little one,

It's been a few days since the last time I wrote to you. I am currently on bed rest! Your little body has been putting pressure on my cervix so they had to stitch it up! It's worth it though, I don't want you coming out early! I have been thinking a lot about things and I worry so much about my choices and how they will affect your life. I want so much for your life to be full of love and happiness. I am fourteen weeks now and you are definitely making your presence known! I can't say that I am really excited about the weight gain, but it comes with the territory. I got to see you on Wednesday, the doctor says that you are perfect and that makes me happy. I am doing my best to protect you and keep you safe while you are in my care. I only have five and a half months left. When I think of being pregnant and dealing with everything that comes with that, it seems like forever, but when I think of giving birth and having to place you, forever doesn't seem long enough. I dread that day. I decided not to have an epidural, because the thought of having a needle in my back just terrifies me,(although I have six tattoos those needles can't paralyze you) so I have warned everyone that will be there for your arrival(Amanda, Maria, Natalie, and Chad) that it will be hard, and I want absolutely no noise. I will need to be able to focus. Maybe it won't be as bad as I am anticipating. I mean women have been having babies for centuries and many without pain medication, so I am sure I can do it, besides I am soldier and soldiers are tough? I find out what your sex is going to be in two weeks!! Hopefully you cooperate and give us a clear view so I can share it with your parents and your siblings. Heidi is dying to have a sister, maybe we can help her out with that, but I am sure either way they all will be equally excited to know. I am glad I have this time with you. This is the most interesting experience. It is weird to see my body changing in preparation for your arrival and watching my belly grow is a amazing. I find myself holding my hands there as if I can actually hold you. Whenever something or someone invades that space I cover my belly to protect you. I guess that's the whole mother's instinct. I love you SO much. I have made this difficult decision for you and your future and as much as I know it is the BEST decision at this point in my life, it kills me. I love thinking about you and touching my belly, but it is bitter sweet because as soon as I finally see your sweet face I have to give you away. It's not easy but I have a few people that are there for me to help me through this process. There is Amanda, my bestie/little sister, she is great! I think I would go crazy if she wasn't here at this point. I think she is going to be my "coach" during the whole labor and delivery process. She has two kids already and we just click. I tell her everything! It's weird, it's like we have know each other our whole lives. She's one of those friends that you can count on to really be there, to cry with you, to be happy with you, or to simply be there and let you vent out all your frustrations and never say a word. I am so comfortable with her. We share a special bond and I can't wait until I take my leave so I can hang out with her again, and I am sure that she is going to make fun of me because I will be huge!! But I will have my turn soon. She told me that her and her husband are trying to get pregnant. It was a little hard, because she will be keeping her baby and she will probably be pregnant when I deliver. It makes me sad, but I am happy for her, I would never want her to be in this situation, it hurts and I am glad she can be happy about her pregnancy and enjoy it and make plans for the baby. She's a good mom! You'll get to meet her, you may not remember her, but you will meet her. I am working on this book for you along with this blog, so maybe I will put her in the book so you can remember her. Of course there's Maria, Natalie and Chad. Everyone plays a different role, but all of them are important. Everyone is excited to meet you, again your arrival will be bitter sweet. I still can't wait! I will have my time with you in the hospital, but it's not long enough. I can only imagine how my heart will ache for you. I love you little peanut and since I have all this free time I will be writing to you more, unless I am not feeling well. You better stay put until July 9th or we will have a long talk about disobedience. I love you little one.