Did my birth mom love me......?

Today is one of those days that I am not so sure that I can place you for adoption. I have had a hard day which started with a hard night. I think maybe I should go to church or something. I feel so lost and alone. (Let me be clear about something. I struggle with placing you for adoption because I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, but if I take the emotions out of the process, I know that adoption is the best option for you)! I know that I have a lot of support but I STILL FEEL SO ALONE. I just don't want to do this anymore, it is so hard. I wish I could have you tomorrow and just be done with it all. Not because I want to get rid of you but because I can't stand waiting, knowing that I am caring for you, to give you to someone else and everyday it gets harder, and I hate "waiting" to place you. Today I found out that I could find out if you are a boy or a girl in three weeks, I don't know if I can handle it. Your parents want to know so I have to find out in order to share it with them. That is going to be so hard, I can't stand to look at you knowing that you won't be mine. I mean you are mine but only for a little while. I love you so much! I didn't think it was possible to love another human being as much as I love you! I can't even put it into words how much I love you. Let's just say that I love you so much that I am ripping out my own heart to make sure that you have a good life with two parents who already love you so much. (Or at least that is what it feels like.) They are so excited about adopting you and loving you. Your mom told me that she felt bad being so happy when she knew that I am so sad about placing you, that's one of the reasons I like her. She is so sweet and sensitive to other people's feelings. I wish so badly sweetie that it could be different. I wish you could stay with me forever. I want you to know that this not easy and my decision to place you is completely out of love. I want what is best for you and that is why I am choosing to place you. I want you to know and understand how much I love you and that is why I am writing this blog and I hope it helps and answers the question did my birth mom love me? YES, YES SHE DOES!! More than you will ever know! It's too late to think of the value of my life....you can see my heart beating...you can see it through my chest, said I'm TERRIFIED, but I am not leaving, I know that I must pass this test......and you can see my heart! beating!.....